LABEAU, DECLAN JONAH

[declan labeau]

declan jonah labeau


twenty four. upper class. andrew garfield

"i've been writing in this for years, and i've never really seen what the point of this was. dr. jenkins had always said it would help me cope better or whatever if i wrote down whatever was going on when i felt overwhelmed or stressed. i'm not any of those right now; i'm bored. i guess that's better than the other two though. i mean i used to get really stressed before i started talking to him. almost every day, really. i would just get mad and frustrated and i wouldn't really know why but people would always look at me funny, like they never saw a guy get mad before. he was the one who told me, i guess in simple terms, i'm weird. that i just don't react right to things. i don't think it's a bad thing, really. i mean i guess, in a way it's sort of like, the way i react shows i'm just.. human. albiet... really weird, yeah. and i mean, not everyone avoids me or doesn't like me because of how i act. i mean, derek still cares about me. i don't think i'd even stick around here anymore if i didn't have derek. or lilah. lilah's.... perfect. i don't like that word because i don't think anything in this world can be described as perfect but she's one of the most perfect things i've ever run into in my life. she's really nice. okay, no. not really nice. she the nicest person that i've ever met. she has a really nice smile and she always smells nice and she always wears the best clothes that make her look even prettier than she normally does. i don't ever really tell her that though, i don't think. sometimes when i say things they turn out really weird when i say them. i can write it all better. i should do that, maybe, write her a letter telling her how much i actually like her.

sometimes, with the way i talk and the way i act, a lot of people think i'm a kid or something, mentally. i'm not, far from it, really. i mean.... whenever i talk it comes out childish because .... i don't know, talking's a little hard for me. but i can write it all out a lot better. i read a lot; so maybe that sort of helps with writing everything out. i've read everything from hemingway to poe to dr. seuss. ha. not really, but, you get the point, right? yeah. see, i think it's because i joke around with things like that that people think i'm kind of immature, mentally. just because i have aspergers doesn't mean i'm stupid. i think i'm far from that. i know my stuff when it comes to economics and politics and science and math and the arts. most of that doesn't really interest me. me and derek are the ones that're destined to take over the business, but derek's better for the company than i ever would be. i don't really ever want anything to do with the company. it doesn't interest me. ever since i was little i've always wanted to do somethign with the arts. i've been drawing and inventing comic book characters since i can remember. i still do it now. and i get told that it's not suitable or wahtever, that i need to think long term and think about working for the company, for and or with derek when the time comes for one of us, meaning him, to take over. i just don't really want that, you know? i like art, i like drawing.

ever since i was little it seemed like everyone cared about our family. you know, like they wanted to know what went on inside the house. i remember everyone would talk about my father and say that he was cheating with the house keeper, or that derek was a clone or i was mentally unstable, incapable, whatever. there's always been something said about the family that would draw people to us and want to ask us questions and.... it's stupid. i can understand how big the family name is and everything but asking every single day the same questions and hoping to get answers when you've already not gotten any is a waste of anyone's time. i never really ever talk about our family. i mean i'll talk about derek if someone asks but all i can really ever say is that derek's probably one of the best people. he cares a lot about other people, more than he cares about himself sometimes, i think. i always feel bad because it feels like he's always worrying about me and trying to take care of me and i've always wanted to do the same thing back, but it's a lot harder than anyone would think. so i just kind of stay back from everything and let him do his thing. i've always done that, and i probably always will.

people do this with derek, and i get this too; being asked to describe myself. i don't know what to say, really. i don't think i'm anything special where i can go on and on about myself. and it'd be a biased sort of thing, wouldn't it, talking about myself? i don't know. but, i always just sort of say the same thing everytime. i'm just... here. i don't really do anything for attention but it ends up happening a lot of the time before i even realize it. and i mean it's always bad attention too, becaues usually people wonder what's wrong wit hme. and i mean, there's good things, too. i mean, i'm nice, i'm pretty smart, i like art, i like animals, i'm good with my hands i'd like to think. so ... maybe i'm not wired like normal people, i guess, but it seems like everyone judges more on how i'm wired wrong than wired right. i got used to it over the years; now i don't even bat an eye whenever i get weird looks or people ask about me or ask if i'm okay. it's been going on since me and derek were little. some things just never really change, you know?

i think another thing i get asked about, well, another person i get asked about, is lilah. a lot of people don't understand how i ended up being friends with her, let alone... you know, dating her? i mean i'm amazed too because i would've never really thought that she would go out with me. i mean we went to school together and she was one of those girls that was just absolutely gorgeous and she seemed nice enough but i always too freaked to talk to her. i mean i would practice talking in front of a mirror back in those days when i tried to talk to her, and i'd be absolutely thrilled and happy when i managed it without making a complete idiot of myself. sure, she's not in the same social class or whatever, which apparently concerns alot of people, but there's nothing wrong with that because she's so much better than anyone else that my family "has" to know because they have money. i want to say things are always really great between us, but even i know that sometimes it's really not. i never really mean to yell at her or ignore her or try picking fights with her. it always happens whenever i get frustrated or mad, i guess. i always feel bad because she never does anything to really deserve it and no matter how many times i apologize and try and make it up to her i still feel bad, even now. sometimes that makes me wonder why she sticks aroun dbut i think that now i appreciate it, a lot, because most people would've probably given up on me."

rini. eighteen. like forever. yep hi there sup.